Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
