I swear god or herbie drove my car home
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
