Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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