I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
