What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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