he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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