I want to walk on stilts...naked
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize