I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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