it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Pants are for mortals
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
