Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Randomize
