I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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