is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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