**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
