for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
