So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
