redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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