I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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