Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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