I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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