help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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