hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
