The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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