my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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