Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
