you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
