My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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