You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
