history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
A bitchslap is in order.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
