Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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