Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
