Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
