i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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