worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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