Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
