Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
