Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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