when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
