my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
