allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
