you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
