The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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