Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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