I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize