omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
