I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
