I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
