3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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