Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
4 words: hood of his car
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Randomize
