Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
