I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Well I just put wine in my tea
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
