He had one of those small greek statue penises
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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