My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
