I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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