Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
