new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
