hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
