This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
