Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
