I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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