two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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