If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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