dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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