I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
My bed smells like the plague
false alarm, still single
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
