There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
